September 13, 2002

Jen Green knows a girl with three butt cheeks. Jen Green knows a girl with three butt cheeks. Jen Green knows a girl with three butt cheeks. OK, have you memorized this line yet? Well, I can guarantee that by the end of this column my nine word, nine syllable sentence will be transformed into an elaborate, three page propaganda. I'm estimating that the metamorphosis will be 'Jen Green once had three butt cheeks. However, during a freak cheerleading accident her middle cheek split and combined with her other two, converting it to a double sized rear. Now she has fulfilled her lifelong dream of posing in Playboy and touring as JLO's butt double. Hugh Hefner and Green had a fling but it only ended in disaster considering Viagra isn't permanent. After eloping with Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit, Green picked up the illegal habits of a rock star life, and is now residing in a cheesy, has-been actor occupied, alcohol over the counter, California rehab center.'

How does such a simple sentence change into a life-altering ordeal? Help me out, the cheerleader is confused. According to The Scribner-Bantam English Dictionary a rumor is 'hearsay: gossip; unverified current story.’ Well, that can put a mind to ease, considering unverified means not proven. Sure, tell that to O.J. Simpson. The unfortunate part about gossip is that it is as addictive as caramel frappucinos and spreads like a nasty athletic rash. It is a virus, plain and simple. Even after antibiotics a virus still exists dormant in your body forever, regardless of your healthy symptoms and at the first sign of infection it reappears just as strong as before. A rumor is no different, even after it dissipates into thin air, gossip can resurface and wound your mending identity. Gossip is immortal, even after you're dead it lives on. For example, everyone says Richard Gere had an unfortunate encounter with a gerbil. Regrettably we'll never know, considering the gerbil never made it out alive to tell the true story.

I try my hardest to avoid drama (which is probably difficult for my readers to believe), yet I always seem trapped in the middle of some asinine hearsay. My most recent drama is beyond ridiculous. Apparently, I said extremely hurtful things to a couple of sweet girls and I badmouthed an organization on campus to some freshmen. Mind you, I like a lot of the members of the organization and I don't know any freshmen (no offense!). After finding the source and resolving the issue I find out that the only reason my name was brought into the conversation was because they did not know the girl sitting next to me. So they just used the phrase "the girl sitting next to JEN GREEN." That is story. I was only referenced. However, the vicious rumor exploded like a week old pimple and stemmed off into more hearsay. What's upsetting is that girls that I thought were my friends actually believed I could say something so mean. I know most of my readers believe I'm heartless, but I really try and avoid talking bad about anyone. I remove myself from listening to gossip and I generally try to just give the benefit of the doubt. I guess I hoped in behaving such a way people might do the same for me. Presumably not.

Gossip is an annoyance. I believe it is a test of character; whether or not you choose to believe hearsay. I guess, in the end the only way to kill a rumor is to stop listening. Oh and by the way I lied, it was four butt cheeks.

Where has that been? Eww, don't touch it! Gross. Any of these exclamations could describe a number of things from two-day-old feces clogged in a toilet, a slimy, wet, wart-covered toad a sibling might show off, or that decomposed, bacteria infested piece of food just waiting to be uncovered from behind the couch. Or perhaps these phrases could be used to describe the person lying in your bed.

How well do you know that person? Are you approaching your two year anniversary, or your six month? Or maybe you're just friends, or have only met the night before. How do you know that person is not filled to the brim with STDs. It's not a pleasant thought, but you could be lying next to the human equivalent of that filthy toilet. Are you sure he or she isn't slimy, wet and wart-covered when broken out, or maybe your partner has contracted something recently and doesn't even know it. This past summer, a good friend of mine made the decision to loose her virginity to a man she had known for almost a year and had been dating for six months. She knew this man had had other partners. She was on birth control and used condoms. But he still gave her genital herpes. And he knew he had it!

Casual sex should be an oxymoron because sex needs to be taken seriously. Would you go on an amusement park ride if the government didn't require the rides to be inspected regularly? I don't think many people would. My point is that sex can have dangerous side effects: Sexually transmitted diseases. The government doesn't require people to get routine screenings for them, and neither do many partners.

People assume too much. Many naively assume that a person would just come out and tell them that he or she is infected, yet the sad truth is that people lie for sex. People assume that they would notice the signs of an outbreak. Many STDs, like genital warts, can be spread when there is no noticeable outbreak. Eighty-five percent of previously infected individuals experience periodic recurrences without symptoms according to Genital herpes and public health: Addressing a global problem.

People assume that if they use a condom they cannot contract an STD. However, according to the National Institutes of Health, there is no clear evidence that condoms reduce the risk of STDs such as gonorrhea and chlamydia in women and human papillomavirus infection in men. People assume that if someone has an STD, they know they are infected. However, according to AbortionFacts.com, eighty percent of people who have syphilis are not aware they have it. One in five people have some type of STD.

If you are having casual sex, if you do not know your partners well, please have them checked out. It's sad to think that people can be so intimate with one another, yet not feel comfortable enough to request a screening. Again, many people could have something and not have had a diagnosed outbreak. People with STDs are not necessarily gross and disgusting, but the diseases are. While many people go on living perfectly normal lives, where outbreaks are rare, the disease will never go away. The man who hurt my friend is more foul than any two-day-old feces-filled toilet, not because he had a disease, but because he spread it knowingly.

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