For those of us who actually stayed awake for the entire 71st annual
Academy Awards, we may feel like it was four hours of our lives that we’ll
never get back. Hollywood’s biggest night came and went this year,
and if you endured the marathon of theatrics and thank you’s, you were
one of the few, as this year’s ceremony was one of the lowest rated broadcasts
in recent memory.
However, the big show was not without it’s memorable moments.
So without further ado, we’re here to present our own post-Oscar awards.
The envelopes please...
Classiest moment of the night: Host Whoopi Goldberg acknowledging the
passing of film critic Gene Siskel. We give her two thumbs up for
that one.
Not-so-classy moment of the night: Many of Whoopi’s tasteless jokes.
While the emcee did have her moments (flapping her feathered dress like
a bird), she often sacrificed good taste for the sake of a few easy laughs
(the Leave it to Beaver jokes). Two thumbs down with a hangnail for
that one, Whoopi.
Best way of dealing with an Academy snub: Golden Globe winner for Best Actor, Jim Carrey. Carrey showed his great sense of humor by announcing that he was there to present an award, and that was all he was there to do.
Best bodyguards: Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro, who presented the highly protested honorary Oscar to director and former communist Elia Kazan. Come on, who’s gonna mess with him when he’s sandwiched by these two. You’ll end up with a horse’s head in your bed.
Best on-stage performance with a difficult and/or stubborn animal: Val Kilmer with Trigger the Horse.
2nd Best on-stage performance with a difficult and/or stubborn animal: Mariah Carey who struggled to keep up with the overpowering Whitney Houston who kept singing Mariah’s lines. The look on Mariah’s face was priceless.
Worst Dressed: Okay, we hate to get all Joan Rivers on you, but we just had to bust on Celine Dion for wearing her jacket backwards!
Most Creative (and bizarre) way to present nominees: The weird Debbie Allen-choreographed dance number to present the nominees for Best Dramatic Score. Yeah. Debbie, when we hear the music from Saving Private Ryan, it makes us want to tap dance too!
The Beating a Dead Horse Award (sorry, Trigger): The Oscars’ producers who rolled out the same damn video montage of movie clips from great moments in film history we see every year It just adds to the already lengthy show.
Best Balancing Act: Roberto Benigni hopping from chair to chair on his way to accept his award. And he did it without breaking his neck or messing up anyone’s hair.
Sweetest, most adorable, how- can-you-not-fall-in-love-with-her Award: Awarded to pretty in pink Gwyneth Paltrow for her tear-jerking acceptance speech. We wish Buster was our grandfather too!
You may agree or disagree with our choices, but that’s half the fun.
Unlike last year, when Titantic sailed away with almost every award they
were nominated for, this year’s neck to neck races kept many of us on the
edge of our seats.
Tom or Roberto? Shakespeare or Spielberg? It was anyone’s
guess until the winners clutched the golden statuettes in their hot little
hands.
And isn’t competition what the Oscars are all about?
