Olympic skating: One fan has an axel to grind
by Molly Long

Aside from occassional forays into Springer-land, I rarely have time for television. Every four years or so, however, I become the veritable Queen of Couch Potatoes, paralyzed by a raging case of Olympic fever. With the Nagano games just beginning, I have already begun becoming one with my satellite link.

While I enjoy watching all of the winter sports (even if I don’t fully understand them, like that luge thing) figure skating is the one I love the most. The grace, the beauty, the artistry, the athleticism, (the muscular male bodies clothed in sleek spandex)...all of these elements give Olmpic figure skating an almost mythic quality.

The 1988 Calgary games (and Brian Boitano) kindled the torch of Olympic ardor in my soul. I developed a serious crush on Brian during the competition, and when my boy turned in a flawless performance that won the gold, skates-down, I was blubbering far more than he when Brian ascended the medal stand.

While my love for Brian has since abated, my love for the sport has not, and I’m actually at the point where I can distinguish a triple salchow from a triple axel. However, I have also noted several things that detract from the beauty of the sport, rough patches on the ice, as it were, that you should be aware of if you tune in to the Nagano games this week.

1. COMMENTATORS.

As much as my heart goes out to former Olympic champion Scott Hamilton, who has recently battled prostate cancer, the man has unfortunately graduated from the State-the-Obvious school of sports reporting.

At one intense competition where a medal contender missed an important jump, Hamiltion exclaimed, "Wow! He just missed the crucial triple axel that would have won him the gold; I bet he’s disappointed with that one!"

Gee, Scott, the skater’s only been training all his life for a shot at Olympic gold; what makes you think he’d be upset that he failed to complete a jump he can land every day in practice? Instead of prolonging the poor guy’s misery, why not concentrate on explaining why he two-footed his landing?

2. FAVORITISM.

While I know there’s more to figure skating than meets the untrained eye, you have to wonder sometimes at the judges’ mathematical capabilites. I understand that they score more conservatively at the beginning of competitions to save room for later skaters, but sometimes the scores are downright incomprehensible.

In a perfect Olympic world, prominent skaters should not be awarded automatic, cushioned scores.

At one competition several years ago, Japanese skater Midori Ito had a disastrous performance, not only missing her jumps but actually crashing into the fiberboard walls of the rink and knocking over a cortege of media photographers in the process. But because Ito had international notoriety, having won several competitions prior to this event, she skated off with the silver medal. Other, unknown, skaters turned in decent performances (managing to stay on the ice and not cause structural damage to the rink) but their hard work and dedication went unrewarded.

This conspiracy thing is deplorable, as it undermines the work ethic inherent in the "Olympic spirit" — are all of these judges getting a cut of the skaters’ endorsement deals, or what? Will Hungarian judge can get a lifetime supply of Campbell’s soup?

3. COSTUMES.

The international Fashion Police have obviously granted amnesty to Olympic contenders, if the number of on-ice violations is any indication. While it’s superficial to comment on what skaters wear, as opposed to what they do, an off-kilter costume is distracting to even the most avid of figure skating fans.

I will never, ever, understand why women wear white skates with taupe tights. Maybe they think that their feet will blend in with the ice or something, but (coaches and competitors take note) taupe skates create a much cleaner line for the spectator; white skates become a jarring focal point, making their wearers’ programs appear as fragmented as their fashion sense.

Another annoyance are the women’s actual costumes. While flirty little skating skirts look nice in mid-twist, they sometimes reveal more than the skater intended; the women’s jumps and spins often turn modest bathing-suit bottoms into thongs. While many male skating enthusiasts may not find this a problem, I’d rather focus on a skaters’ athleticism and not her other, um, assets. A skater should always check her outfit in a rear-view mirror.

Despite all of these not-so-trivial points, figure skating remains a breathtakingly beautful sport, one that offers a little something for everyone. You’ve got both tragedy (pairs skater Sergei Grinkov’s sudden death) and comedy (the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding fiasco) in a sport that fuses artistry and athleticism on a single, smooth sheet of ice.

As the Winter Games in Nagano get underway, you can bet I’ll be setting aside homework and unplugging the phone to revel in the splendor of all things glacial. And with Canadian skater Elvis Stoljko as my new Olympic flame (sorry, Brian), I’ve got a full box of tissues standing by.