Current Release: April 28th, 2009 | Vol. XXX Iss. 10

Happy Birthday Charles Darwin!

By katie Morris

kemorris@vwc.edu

This year is a landmark year for many reasons, even though we re only about a month and a half in. Obama was elected president, Flight 1549 crash landed in the Hudson and everyone miraculously survived, the Steelers got another Superbowl, the semester has started and some students have already started to spazz, and  G.I. Joe,  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and the sixth  Harry Potter film are all going to come out.

This year also happens to be the 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles Darwin, the ground-breaking scientist who is widely credited with developing the theory of Evolution, which continues to be a source of heated debate and back-and-forth bickering between Godless scientists and religious fanatics alike on school boards everywhere. Thanks to Darwin, we have phrases such as  survival of the fittest and have a better understanding on why we have what traits we have.

Darwin was born Feb. 12, 1809, and what better way to commemorate Darwin s bicentennial birthday than to kick back and enjoy a few of the wry Darwin Awards?

For those who don t know, the Darwin Awards are presented every year to would-be oxygen-thieves (useless, moronic people who take oxygen that the rest of us could be breathing) who kindly strengthen the human race and our gene pool. These space-wasters remove themselves from the equation by inadvertently killing themselves off, thanks to their own idiocy. Yes, you read that sentence right. I probably could have phrased that more diplomatically, but I m a horrible person and that s basically what it is. The Darwin Awards web site (www.darwinawards.com) puts it a little more nicely, but still justly:  The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways. These Awards can be found at their web site, free to peruse. You can look through deaths by year, or by means of death (gun, electricity& elephant, you get the point).

The Darwin Awards have been circulating around the Internet for years now, posted on various web sites everywhere and sent through countless chain letters. There was even a movie aptly titled  The Darwin Awards (2006) about the honors.

So, in honor of good old Darwin s 200th, here are a few Darwin Awards for your reading pleasure. Thanks to these fine, upstanding failures at existence who have been kind enough to remove themselves from the gene pool, our species is fitter, and there s more oxygen, space and oil for the rest of us.

Jan. 29, 2003 in Brazil: Manoel was responsible for cleaning out the storage tanks of gasoline tanker trucks, and had been working there for two months before he ran into trouble. As standard safety procedure dictates, he began to fill a tanker with water in order to force flammable vapor out. He left and returned an hour later to see if the water level was high enough. However, because the tanker was dark, he wasn t sure. So, he decided to test it. Seemingly forgetting the reason why he was filling the tank with water in the first place, he lit a cigarette lighter to see. He successfully determined that the water level wasn t yet high enough. The vapor explosion launched him through the air, and he landed in the company parking lot 100 meters away. He suffered severe burns and other rather nasty injuries.

2007, in India: Due to increased mining and recent rains in southeast India, the wildlife became unsettled and migrating elephants have killed several people. A team of four journalists decided to pursue the story and went into the forest in search of the rogues. On foot. And found them. The elephants had a reaction roughly similar to that of Sean Penn. The herd charged the paparazzi, but only one of the four was killed.

Dec. 10, 2007 in Russia: When he was a child, Sergei promised his grandmother that he would find the elixir of eternal life for her. When he grew up, he found that elixir in the form of swallowing poisons daily, to strengthen his body and protect him from death. Apparently, he saw  The Princess Bride one too many times and figured that the Man in Black s method of building up an immunity to Iocane powder was a solid idea. He made sure to include small quantities of toxic mushrooms, arsenic, and cyanide salts in his daily regimen, and urged others to join him. It was sort of like if Jim Jones coming up with his own form of Weight Watchers.

After swallowing the cyanide, he began to feel ill. One can only imagine why. He asked some classmates to get some water. He then dissolved the rest of the cyanide powder in it. He didn t pour it out. He downed it like kicking back a shot of vodka.

March 2001 in Ghana: In Ghana, belief in witchcraft and more traditional, ancient magic is not uncommon. Aleobiga, 23, and 15 fellow believers purchased a  magical potion, which was supposed to make them invincible, so that bullets would just bounce off them like Superman. They smeared the magic substance over their bodies for two weeks and Aleobiga volunteered to test the spell. However, they did not test on a non-vital part of the body. The spell was ineffective.