Professional wrestling has glittering allure
by Jennifer White

I have a major problem. I have been brainwashed, I have become addicted, I have been led astray from “quality” entertainment...and I kinda like it. I never thought I would succumb to the lure of the flashy outfits, the obnoxious commercials, the stupid, beefy men, the ridiculous shows, the endless pleas for pay-per-view support, but... pro wrestling RULES!

Yes, I know it’s all fake. How could anyone watch a man in silver Speedos elbow-drop some demonic fat guy and call it a real sport? Please. Hard-core wrestling fans scare the living hell out of me. They take the matches as seriously as some people take football. But if you brush aside all of the drunk white trash, the heart of professional wrestling isn’t the fierce competition, it’s the fun!

Everybody knows Hulk Hogan, but more wrestlers are superstars than you think. Remember Andre the Giant? He was a pro wrestler. That weird guy in the Slim Jim commercials? It’s Macho Man Randy Savage, the pro wrestler (“Need a little excitement? Snap into a Slim Jim!”). Even Dennis Rodman has tried his hand at pro wrestling. No matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to escape.

My first exposure was to the wonderful world of WWF. A friend of mine ordered a pay-per-view special starring what is now one of my favorite wrestlers, the Undertaker, in a “Casket Match.” I

was mesmerized. The wrestlers were more like clowns, each with a distinct character and costume. They would threaten each other and then, in an explosion of screaming and glitter, come into the ring with a fanfare that is usually reserved for the Olympics or New Year’s Eve.

After that fateful night, I became a regular viewer of “Monday Night Raw.” It’s on a smaller scale than the pay-per-view events, but it’s just as fun. This is where I became obsessed with one wrestler in particular, Golddust. I collect all things Golddust. I have dolls, action figures,

posters, trading cards and T-shirts. Golddust wears a shiny jumpsuit and boots, has a long, flowing blonde wig, and cakes his entire face with gold makeup and glitter. I know it’s stupid, but like I said, I’m an addict.

I may watch the shows and own the merchandise, but the only thing I haven’t done is attend a real, live wrestling match. Luckily, two are coming our way. On Sunday, November 2nd, WCW is coming to the Norfolk Scope, and a couple of months from now, WWF will be at the Hampton Coliseum. Needless to say, I’m pumped.

Even if you’re rolling your eyes in disgust right now, please give pro wrestling a chance. If nothing else, it’s great comedy. So just relax, laugh your ass off, and let Golddust cast his magic spell.