Do you want flies with that?
New experiences in movie munchies
by Chris Williams

Upon entering the glass enclosed atrium of your favorite multiplex (which shall remain nameless to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent), you are greeted by Angela, the box office attendant. Angela welcomes you to a world of fantasy, where you can escape from all the world’s problems for a little while and completely engross yourself in the make-believe world of movies. She is the gatekeeper to this realm, and as you hand over your six dollars and twenty five cents, she hands you the golden ticket and unlocks the door. Your escape is almost complete!

Not so fast. There is a bump in the road. It is temptation in the form of the movie theater concession stand.

After offering your hard-earned money to the box office gods, you enter the lobby, where looming over you is that neon junk food Mecca that is the snack bar. It is positioned dead center, straight ahead as you look across the lobby. To the left and right of the stand are the hallways leading to the sanctuary of the movie auditoriums.

Salvation is in sight!

But oh how those snack bar demons can be tricky! They know your weaknesses. As you make your way toward your destination, deliberately avoiding the snack bar, something grabs hold of you.

It is the strategically placed aroma of buttered popcorn. You suddenly fall under its spell and it seduces you, bringing you closer and closer until you are standing before Lana, the self-proclaimed “goddess of the snack bar.”

Just fifty cents more?

“Popcorn please,” you say.

“What size would you like sir?” asks Lana.

“Medium, please.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like a large for just fifty cents more?” asks the snack bar goddess. You know you can’t eat that much popcorn. And it can’t be good for you, can it?

“You get a free refill, and if you buy two medium drinks to go along with that, you get a free pack of Twizzlers.” Wow! Now that sounds like a deal!

“Okay, sounds good to me,” you say.

“That’ll be nine-fifty.”

Nine-fifty?! Is this gourmet popcorn? What’s in the butter,

gold? Actually, the “butter” is not really butter at all. Coincidentally enough, it is called “Golden Delight Buttery Topping.” It is shipped in a case containing four bottles of the orange-yellow liquid.

One thing stands out in particular on the case: The words, “DOES NOT CONTAIN YELLOW 5.”

Is there a reason that they felt it necessary to put that on the box in big, bold lettering? It is a bit disconcerting to think about. The makers of Golden Delight obviously have labeled their boxes with that message as though it is a good thing, implying that there may be something wrong, even harmful in Yellow 5.

Jalepenos or No?

When one thinks about all the food items that contain Yellow 5 food coloring, the lists are endless. Twinkies, M&M’s, Mountain Dew, Skittles, Country Time Lemonade, and Martin’s Potato Rolls all contain this food dye. Not Martin’s Potato Rolls! Say it ain’t so! It’s everywhere!

While you ponder the harmful effects of yellow food coloring, your companion for the evening decides that she would like some nachos. That’s great. You’ve already spent twelve dollars and fifty cents on tickets, plus nine dollars and fifty cents on Lana the Snack Bar goddess’s combo “deal,” and now you get to fork over another three dollars and fifty cents for a small tray of nacho chips with some sort of cheese-food product that may or may not contain Yellow 5.

“You don’t want jalapenos with that, do you?” Lana asks.

Wait. Something is wrong. There was a certain negative connotation to that question, unlike her previous attempts at up-selling. As a matter of fact you don’t want jalapenos, but what if you did? This calls for some investigation.
“Maybe I do...” you say, with a defiant tone in your voice.

“I don’t recommend it,” warns Lana, “please don’t ask me why.”

Well that’s not fair. Now she has piqued your curiosity.

“What’s wrong with the jalapenos?” you ask.

You’re going to get to the bottom of this, if it’s the last thing you do. Forget about the movie. Forget about the Yellow 5. This is the mystery of the bad jalapenos, and you’re going to solve it.

“I can’t say...” she says.

Playing hardball, eh? Well, two can play that game.

“I’m the customer,” you say. “Now you tell me what the deal is with the jalapenos, or I want to speak to a manager.”

A low blow, yes, but you had to play that card.

And it works. Lana finally breaks down.

“Okay, I’ll tell you. There were fruit flies in them. When we opened up the jar, bugs started coming out.”

Ugh.

You just had to keep digging, didn’t you? Curiosity killed the cat and spoiled your appetite. But you paid for all that food, so will you let it go to waste? No way!

And the nachos aren’t that bad, actually. The chips are good, and the cheese is very spicy. You wonder out loud where they get such spicy cheese, as you and your companion walk toward your auditorium.

Wayne, the usher tearing tickets hears your question.

“The cheese isn’t that spicy when we get it, so we put a cup of juice from the jalapenos in to give it a little kick.”

Yummy.