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I have been bulimic for four years. Even though I have started to get this addiction under control, I still consider myself bulimic because I am unwilling to accept that how I view food is healthy. The decision to fight this demon has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever made for myself. When you are addicted to something so bad, it makes you crazy without it. You wish you could just easily walk away for your personal sanity; however, to turn around and run the other way just isn't realistic. Even now, my footsteps are only small ones that seem insignificant. The motivation to continue to take these small steps is fueled by the desire to escape from a world that for the past several years has been nothing but lies. I lost the people who meant the most to me. The scariest truth for me was admitting how much I needed them. I needed their strength, because I had somehow misplaced my own. When I started to take this intense look at the life that I had thought was so full, I found it to be really quite empty. Everything that I thought was important and was making me happy really wasn't at all. It wasn't so much the idea of staying bulimic that scared me, because my mind told me I was in control. It was the idea of being a liar for the rest of my life that terrified me so much that I needed to seek control somewhere, and ironically I found that I wouldn't find this control until I stopped trying to be in control of everything.
Over the past several years, I had taken everything in my life to extremes. When I ate, I didn't just open up a bag of chips and have a few--in a matter of minutes I would eat the whole bag. With drinking, I was the same way. I would have one drink, and proceed to need another and another. While you wouldn't think shopping could be a part of an addiction, my credit card bills are proof that addiction can make its way into to the malls at the swift swipe of a Visa. I had no concept of moderation. I would splurge and not even realize it until after it was over. Moderation was not something I cherished. This overwhelming loss of control would almost give me a feeling of intoxication. It became a sick game in my head. I would wait until everyone went to bed and I would go down stairs to get a "snack." I would end up eating somewhere close to $60 worth of groceries each time I would binge. I would go for anything salty. Chips and crackers were my favorite, or anything with cheese. I would then quietly go back up stairs, shut the door to my room, turn on the bathtub so my family would not hear the demons party in my bathroom, and I would release. Not just the $60 of groceries I had just consumed, but feelings of worthlessness and craziness. I would then crawl into bed feeling a bit lighter, like I had released every feeling and thought entirely. The funny thing is though that I would wake up the next morning, and the empty feeling that I had put so much effort into achieving the night before was gone. I was filled with just as much hurt and craziness as the night before.
When I got to college, I made several close girlfriends and came to find that this demon that I had carried with me existed inside many others, some of whom were quite close to me. My friends and I never talked about purging, but we all understood if we ate a lot at any meal, we'd all have to sneak out and "get rid of it." After dinner at home I would go upstairs and run a bath, but at school discussing my bulimia was much more difficult. If I couldn't find a private bathroom I'd drive somewhere and get rid of it in a bathroom, the bushes, wherever I could find a spot. When I was at parties and would drink, at the end of the night I would just "get sick" and throw up the night's festivities quicker than most could go to the bathroom.
My problem really started to take total control of my life the first year I was at school. Instead of worrying about my studies and upcoming social events, I was too busy figuring out ways to eat a lot and how I was going to get rid of it. That's what your entire life is about. You make sure you won't get yourself in a situation where you can't throw up. So you end up planning your life around eating and vomiting and keeping up the lies. These all start to take control. I'd plan excuses in the bathroom when I went out to eat, like "there was a long line" or quickly slapping on some lipstick and saying, "Oh, I just had to retouch my makeup." You're always lying, you're always sick, and you're always tired. I hardly ate fatty foods, because I was still watching my weight. But a few times a week I'd say, "I deserve to eat whatever I want." I would "reward" myself. So instead of just one donut I would eat four or five, then purge. I got a lot of attention from being thin and still do, but while it used to make it all seem worth it, now it just makes me resentful toward the people who say they wish they could be as skinny. The ironic thing is that most bulimic girls are not obese; they are usually average in weight but want to have the "edge" over other girls. I felt inferior to everyone else, so I'd think, "If I can only have control over this one thing, I'll be able to make up for all my deficiencies."
Obviously I didn't have much of a sense of self-worth and truly didn't like myself. I never thought I was smart enough, pretty enough or funny enough. You feel like you're not worthy of being loved or even liked. So you get into this self-destructive behavior, thinking that if you're thin it will compensate for all your inadequacies. But even though you think you've got it under control, you're way out of control.
The worst feeling was that I felt like a fraud all the time, keeping secrets, hiding a habit. I was so ashamed. It's such a secret that your whole life becomes consumed by the need to maintain it. I chose friends that could never get close to me, because if they did, they'd figure out my secret. In my case, though, I was lucky to still have my childhood friends. But the people I really began to hang out with were very emotionally detached and distant. That fit my criteria for friends perfectly at the time. Caring and honest were far too much for me and my demon to handle. During the time I was eating and purging I never had a serious boyfriend. I didn't feel like I was worth loving, and it was entirely too much effort for me to love anyone else other than my bulimia. I was very social the whole time I was bulimic but always very superficial. It was really easy to hide my problem from the guys I dated and my friends, because no one ever assumes that when you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom that you are going to go make yourself sick.
Lying all the time made me feel terrible about myself. I knew I had a serious problem when I had to deceive people all the time to keep it up. You realize that you are trapped, because it has literally become the most important thing in your life. My best friend knew about it; in fact all my closest friends knew. They'd talk to me about it, but I was determined that their concern and help could never change me. They stuck by me, though, and while many of those friends have gone in other directions, but I still remain friends with a few who I didn't walk away from. They have remained friends for life and have given me needed strength. And through all of this unfortunate mess, I find myself more fortunate than ever that I have experienced loss, because it has taught me how to love, not others, but more importantly right now, myself.
This week, February 22 though the 29 is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. In order to promote awareness on campus, Molly Bochenek, Assistant Director of Student Counseling asked Katie Viccellio, who is a local and recovering from an eating disorder, to speak about her personal experience with recovery and the dangers it causes to the body.
During the discussion, Viccellio explained that Bulimia is characterized by a secretive cycle of binge eating followed by purging.
Symptoms: dramatic weight loss, wearing baggy clothing, obsession with weight, continuous exercise, unusual food rituals (moving food around on plate), secretive eating patterns, bruised calloused knuckles (from making oneself vomit) and poor sleeping patterns.
Dangers: malnutrition and dehydration which can cause kidney failure, seizures, heat attacks and low blood pressure. Purging can sever the esophagus from the stomach, causes stomach and intestinal bleeding, electrolyte imbalance, erosion of the esophagus lining, stomach rupture and tooth and gum disease.
For more information: contact Molly Bochenek at 455-3131 or e-mail at mbochenek@vwc.edu.
Helpful web sites: www.somethingfishy.org, www.NationalEatingDisorders.org and www.anad.org.
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| Photo by COURTNEY COE Freshman Teo Ortiz lives at home with his family in Virginia Beach while he recovers from his car accident. Left to right: Mother Cornilia Burton, sister Candice, Ortiz and brother Joey. |
Because Virginia Wesleyan is a small, close-knit community, it is obvious when a student is no longer found in the classroom, on the athletic field or wandering the Batten Center. And instead of shrugging it off, students here want to know what's going on -- they want to help. When freshman Teo Ortiz was injured in an on-campus car accident last semester, even those who didn't know him were concerned. And although Ortiz is not enrolled this semester, taking time to recover, he still has complete support.
"It was surprising that one person could have such an effect on people," said freshman Aaron Turner, one of Ortiz's close friends. Some say that Wesleyan is much like a continuation of high school because everyone knows everything about everyone, whether it is good, bad or in-between. There might as well be a daily flyer with the day's gossip.
We have all been in this situation and unfortunately those around us are not going to forget the stupid things we have said and done, or remember the good things for that matter. However, what is so noteworthy about our community is that we gather together when bad things happen to good people and offer compassion to the victim and the victim’s family. According to Dean of Students David E. Buckingham, when something devastating happens there is a certain "protocol followed." A rescue squad is contacted, then the family. Those students not directly involved with the victim are kept out of the loop until the following morning, often causing unease. As it was in Ortiz's case, that night when Smith Drive was shut off to all traffic and the Virginia Beach Police and Rescue squad stormed past the DeFord Gatehouse, every student jumped out of bed to see what the commotion was about.
From that moment on, faculty and students kept Ortiz in their thoughts and prayers. "You need to let them know you are thinking about them," Buckingham said. "I know that if I was in their position, it would make me feel good." Director of College Communications Gail Kent sent out daily e-mails on Ortiz's condition and urged everyone to keep the family in their prayers and call to wish them the best of luck. After several weeks the Ortiz family thanked the community for its concern but asked that it refrain from sending flowers because there were so many.
“Everyone was great,” said Ortiz’s mom, Cornilia Burton. “Dean Buckingham was there the whole time. He and Coach Travis both visited Teo while he was in the hospital. There were billions of cards and letters. It really helped me get through everything.” Close friend and fellow freshman Amy Foschini expressed appreciation and delight from the reaction of the campus. " I really appreciated everything from all the people that went down to the crash site and with the school keeping updates about his progress." It is probable that this wouldn't be as significant to an entire community at a large college or university. But our college is different from others. We cannot afford to overlook any students, especially someone who meant so much to so many.
Turner said, "Everyone he met seems to like him." During winter break Turner lived at the Ortiz home even while Ortiz remained in the hospital. Turner said that when the college stopped sending e-mails, everyone came to see him for information regarding Ortiz's health. Since that night Ortiz has been making progress. He is currently out of the hospital and is almost done with physical therapy. He now only goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Ortiz is doing lots of worksheets to help his memory, especially short- term, and his speech has gotten much better. As of now he is planning on returning to Wesleyan in the fall.
In a phone conversation Ortiz seemed upbeat and optimistic about his return. He said that he simply wished to get back to his friends and enjoy playing soccer again. He thanked the community for “all their prayers and everything they have done.” Occasionally you might be able to see Ortiz on campus, accompanied by Turner, Foschini and other friends. As of now he has been back twice looking to have some Marlin fun.
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