Ashes

Now that I am almost nineteen, I have developed my own personality, different from my parents’. I like this new personality, which I can call “me”. I have my own thoughts, feelings and preferences. I can finally make decisions on my own.

I like my body because even though I sometimes feel fat I also know that other girls feel the same way even though they are beautiful. I also feel that I can control my own weight. If I want to get rid of excess fat I could eat healthier and go to the gym. Lately, I have been having trouble eating healthy because the food at school is very unhealthy but, the gym facilities are excellent and I can go there pretty much whenever I want because it is so close and open so late. I usually go to work out with a friend and afterwards enjoy the rewarding cool water of the pool.

Although I often feel shy, my friends refer to me as outgoing. They also say I am friendly even though I think I am sometimes mean. I guess it depends on the person whom I am talking to. I always try to keep things civil so I do not like to give people a reason to be angry with me. I also try to get to know a person rather than taking someone else’s word on it. But, if somebody pushes my limits I can be straight up mean. That’s just somewhere no one wants to go. Even then I hold back what I want to say. If I where to say everything I could say to make them feel bad I could hurt their feelings to an extent that nobody would like to be around me. I also believe that everyone holds back these things they wish to say probably for the same purpose.

One of my morals that I stand firm to is that I do not cheat on my boyfriend. I have never and hopefully never will. I believe that no matter how much I may have the right to, it just is not the right thing to do. I know how it feels to be cheated on and it is not a good feeling. I would never want anyone to have that feeling no matter what type of person they are. Even if they do deserve it, I do not want to be the one to give it to them so at least I have the ability to say that I have never cheated and therefore not giving anyone reason to suspect me.

I believe sex is special; something that should be kept between two people who truly love each other. In many cases it should be between a man and his wife. I think that anytime someone has pre-marital sex and does not stay with that person they are cheating on their future husband or wife, because they will never be able to give them their first time. People usually have a connection with their first, which should be a connection shared within a marriage. I also believe people should not be having sex unless they are ready to bring a child into this world. They should have a plan of how to take care of the baby and have enough finances to buy all the necessary items. They should also be in a loving, stable relationship. This is only fair to the unborn child. If they do not love each other they should at least have the decency to get along.

I am usually very attracted to others. I am a heterosexual. Even though I can find some women attractive it is not a sexual attraction. I do not have any issues against homosexuality except that it is against my religion. I think that people cannot control the way they feel towards others. I have friends who are gay and I do not feel uncomfortable around them because they know I am straight. I also know women who are gay and want to be accepted in the church. I do not see why we should judge them because this is up to God. I am comfortable with my own sexuality and comfortable with the sexuality of others. I often times wonder if people are attracted to me, so much so that I even question my own boyfriend. With the reassurance of others such as my friends, I am able to see myself as a sexually attractive being.

I am very comfortable with my life at home. My family has always been very close, though sometimes we cannot stand each other. My parents separated this time last year and are now divorced. This was hard to adjust to at first, but it now seems quite normal. I actually like this new adjustment. Both of my parents are in steady relationships, which I think is a huge help to us all. I get along with both of them. Living with my dad was sometime difficult because I was the only woman in the house. Since then, I have developed a closer relationship with my mom, dad, and younger brother. I think I can get along with my mom better because I do not live with her. We cannot get in as many fights this way because we have time away to cool off and call back and apologize. My dad is also learning how to respect me as a young adult rather than his little girl, though I am sure that will never really happen but I still love him.

My brother is one of my best friends. I feel so fortunate to have such a wonderful guy as my sibling because I see so many people who cannot stand to be around theirs. I get along well with his friends and we also like to do some of the same things so we are never bored. The best times of my life were actually with my brother. My favorite part of the week would be when my brother and I would end up sitting at the kitchen table and just talk about everything that was going on and laugh for an hour or so. I think that is the thing I miss most about being away at college. Another thing about home I will truly miss is having time to myself. Now that I am in college I have to get used to sharing my room and bathroom, but right now it is not so bad, it only feels like vacation or camp.

I have been working on my coping skills a lot this summer. Right now, the only thing I really know how to do is to find a place to be alone for a minute, gather myself, and go back when I am ready. Usually, I can just step right outside the room. If I do not allow myself this minute of alone time the consequences can be bad. Sometimes I will go off on people I do not mean to go off on and then I have to apologize later.

So far I have adjusted well to college life. I actually like having so many people around all the time. I miss being able to drive on my own and I miss my friends back at home. I also miss my boyfriend, a whole lot. I still talk to everyone all the time and call my parents everyday because it only takes a minute to let them know how much I love them. I know my dad has been very busy working so that I can be here at college so I want to show him how much I appreciate it. I do not plan to ‘screw up’ like I have in the past, and even if I do I will not give up. I will make up for it the next time and show this college how much I can really do.